The Mind of Nick Miller
by LucyFitzgerald77
Summary: Nick's perspective in some of the recent episodes of New Girl. Chapter 7 (Tinfinity) is up!
1. Fluffer

This story will be about Nick's perspective in certain episodes, mainly his thoughts about Jess. I was going to start with 2x14 (Pepperwood), but 2x3 (Fluffer) is one of my favorites and also a super essential episode for Nick/Jess shippers. So I'll be starting with Fluffer which will also refer back to episodes from before that, even in season 1. Hope you enjoy and thanks for the reviews ahead of time! Oh, and I know other people have done Nick's mind stories before but hopefully this one is different than the others. If I've accidentally copied someone's ideas, it wasn't intentional in the least bit. Also, I don't own New Girl or any of these awesome characters.

* * *

I'm the boyfriend without the rewards. Winston couldn't be more right. But how can I possibly take a step back from Jess? All I want to do is take a step forward. But I made a promise I'd never do that because she's my roommate. Taking a step forward would make things awkward. And Jess would never want to be anything more than my friend anyway. But, if I'm just going to be her friend, I'm going to be the best damn friend she's ever had. So screw Winston, I'm going to build her that dresser.

* * *

Sam is over here again. What does she seriously see in that guy other than the fact that maybe, if you were a female, you'd consider him hot? For being a doctor he's pretty dense. I might be a little more okay with her being with someone else besides me if the guy was actually worth a crap. As weird as Paul was, at least he seemed like a decent guy that actually cared about her feelings and had stuff in common with her. Russell was pretty great too even though he was a lot older. If she can't be with me, I just want her to end up with someone that takes care of her, loves and respects her feelings, and makes her happy.

I denied having any kind of feelings toward her and kind of joked it off earlier because I don't want her to know how I feel. But later, I told her we're friends who are sometimes attracted to each other. I don't know why I said that but it sounded a lot better to me. She just doesn't know that I'm ALWAYS attracted to her. Some days it's really hard for me to deal with it. Whenever I'm close to her, I can smell her hair and wish I could just bury my nose in it. She's always wearing skirts-I've never known another girl to wear skirts as much as Jess does. And whenever she wears heels with them, I can only imagine just the heels; nothing else. Last night was pure torture with that hot little number she was wearing. I didn't even try to control my comments. No sane guy would be able to. All I could think about was wishing I could be the one to pull that dress off of her later instead of the doctor.

Jess is my world. She's the reason why I changed my mind about Caroline. Jess wanted me to be happy. And I realized just how lonely I would be waking up in an apartment that Jess wouldn't be in anymore. And even though I acted like a complete jerk, she was there for me when I got injured and had my cancer scare. She might accuse me of being grumpy and unpleasant but I used to be so much worse before she came into my life.

I'll never forget when I first met her. She looked so cute in her dress. She was so weird though, but in a good way. I had never met anyone like her before. I put on my tough-guy façade though because there's no way I could have let Coach and Schmidt find out that I liked this girl. If they had known, Schmidt would have never allowed her to move in.

Shortly after she moved in, she walked in on me completely naked, dancing in front of the mirror. But that hadn't been the bad part. The sound of her laughing resembled nails on a chalkboard or something equally annoying in my mind. I could never be a porn star but I'm definitely not a disappointment. Little did I know, she was just uncomfortable with male genitilia in general and laughing was her way of covering it. I have to say, that made me feel much better. What didn't make me better was seeing her naked. Before that incident I used to secretly hope maybe she was actually ugly, had three breasts, or something else abnormal just so the thought of her naked wasn't so agonizing for me. But of course that wasn't the case. She was actually the hottest woman I had ever seen naked before. Everything about her is perfect.


	2. Cabin and A Father's Love

I realized that by accident, the part in chapter 1 where Nick wishes that Jess hadn't been attractive naked-on an episode of Friends, Chandler said something very similar to that about Joey's girlfriend Cathy that he had a crush on. So whoops!

* * *

Jess invited me and Angie to hang out at this cabin with her and Sam. I told her no at first but when she said it was free, I figured why not. Angie is pretty cool. She's definitely not Jess but I'm a guy with needs and I doubt I'm getting Jess anytime soon, if ever. Even with Angie in my life right now, I still think about Jess all the time.

* * *

Well so much for Angie. For whatever reason she decided to leave me. I'm used to it. I'm just kind of confused though. We had what I thought was a really good time. I mean, except for the fact that she wanted to fool around with Sam. I guess she thought that would be okay since we had agreed for the relationship to be open. And maybe she thought Jess and I were fooling around upstairs. Angie hadn't been in my life long enough to know that Jess and I are just friends and something like that would never happen. But we talked things out and I thought everything was cool. Jess told me Angie didn't deserve me. She's just too nice to me. Well most of the time. We've had our fair share of disagreements. But despite that, we've always been able to make up and get things back to how they were. I dread the day when we have an argument or something and things end up being awkward. I hope that never happens though.

* * *

My dad showed up out of the blue today. Jess hit it off with him well, but then again that's not hard for her to do with most people. I'd like to say I'm happy that she's getting along with my dad but first of all, that wouldn't mean anything since her and I aren't together. And secondly, my dad uses people. I'm sure before he leaves he'll find a way to screw things up or get Jess involved with one of his crazy schemes.

* * *

Just like I thought! He borrowed money from her and used her. Typical Walt Miller right there. And then he had the nerve to leave without even saying goodbye to me. I figured nothing less but I thought we'd finally hit it off and started to get things right. Jess seem pretty ticked off about it too. I don't know why she cares so much. Sometimes I think it's because she likes me too and maybe she just doesn't realize it yet. I'm probably wrong though. She probably just feels sorry for me. Hell, I feel sorry for myself some days.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry this is really short but I wanted to update. I promise when I do "Cooler" it'll be longer!

* * *

I still can't tell her how I feel about her. She's still with Sam and even if she wasn't, saying something would probably ruin our friendship. But I can try everything I can to protect her. I read the story one of her students wrote and it scared the crap out of me. That guy has literally got to be a psychopath. I'm going to show up at her class tomorrow and check this dude out because I don't trust him.

* * *

It got worse! I saw a picture this freak drew and it confirmed my suspicious. Jess absolutely can't be alone with this guy. She and I went to his house and learned even more about him. He lives with his mom-no normal guy does that. He showed up while we were there and carried a large object wrapped up in a duffel bag. Definitely a body.

* * *

Well, I feel like an idiot now. But the signs had made me so sure. I'm just glad Jess is okay. As it turns out, I went back to his place and peeked in his shed. All over the wall were creepy pictures of Jess. And then I called her to tell her and while we were on the phone, Edgar showed up for her office hours session. I was extremely worried because I didn't want her to be by herself with him. Then the next thing I knew, his mom found me and hit me over the head. Then it got even crazier when Jess got there. His mom sprayed her with pepper spray. But as it turned out, Edgar wasn't really a psychopath, he's a little crazy but he wouldn't kill anyone. He doesn't live with his mom, it turned out to be his girlfriend. I can't believe I let it get that far. I'm so in love with Jess that I think I'm starting to go crazy. I even made a character based on her in the new novel I'm working on. I'm obsessed. I don't think I can hide my feelings much longer.


	4. Cooler

I'm an idiot. I can't believe how stupid I am. I could blame the alcohol. Or I could blame that damn game we were all playing. But I can't. I can only blame myself.

I kissed Jess. And I didn't just casually give her a peck on the lips or some stupid little high school kiss. I kissed her with everything in me. All these months, all these feelings I've had toward her were expressed in that one kiss. I've never kissed any other woman like I kissed her tonight.

It all started out so innocently. I went with the guys to the bar to hopefully pick up a woman. Someone to temporarily make me forget all these feelings I have for Jess. Well of course Schmidt, Winston, and I all wanted the same person. Winston screwed up, he's had a lot of trouble with women lately. But Schmidt and I were neck to neck in the same race. I was starting to win when Jess called. I tried to ignore her but her pleading that she needed me did me over.

She suggested we all play "True American". Not a bad idea really. Until we were locked up in the same room, forced to kiss to be able to be let out. I caved in and tried to do it, but it was just too awkward. She kept telling me I was doing it wrong so I gave up. And then when she suggested we try again, I just couldn't. And then that stupid slip of the tongue: "Not like this." I mean seriously, what the hell was I thinking? She gave me the weirdest look too. It's not like I expected her to agree with me. It was a look of questioning and surprise, and perhaps even some slight amusement, almost as if she actually understood what I meant but couldn't believe I had actually said it. And then it went downhill even further. I mumbled some shit and then-I definitely do blame the alcohol this time-I went out her window and walked out on the ledge. Somehow, some way, that seemed like an easier alternative than explaining to her why I didn't want to kiss her then.

I look back on that, wondering why kissing her right then and there would have been such a problem. I've come to this conclusion: it wasn't the right timing. It's as simple as that. I've imagined our first kiss so many times, so many different scenarios, but never ever like that. I didn't want to be forced into it. I wanted her to be taken aback a little bit. "Wow Nick, I never saw that one coming." But if we kissed because of some stupid game, would I ever actually get to kiss her for real?

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. After that neighbor who took the best coat I've ever worn away from me, I decided to just go for it. I knew I was crossing a huge boundary for multiple reasons. Jess wasn't single-in fact, Sam was in the very next room. I was really putting myself out on a limb. And Jess would probably think I was crazy. But I just didn't care anymore. At least, not that moment. I had been such a coward all night. And not just tonight but this whole damn time. So before it was too late-before she walked back into her bedroom where that sorry good-for-nothing boyfriend of hers was waiting-I pulled her to me and kissed her. I put every ounce of passion that was in me into it. I expected many reactions…pushing me away, hitting me, yelling at me…but none of that happened. Instead, the unexpected happened. She kissed me back! Just as hard I might add. For those brief few seconds, she and I were in our own world and nothing else mattered. But no sooner that it had happened it ended. Classy guy that I am though, I briefly kissed her a couple more times and then did what any guy who just put himself out there would do-I mumbled some nonsense somewhere along the lines of "I meant something like that" and went straight to my room leaving Jess flabbergasted. At least that's the reaction I think it was. It wasn't disgust. It wasn't joy. It appeared to be some sort of shock mixed with what I was hoping was some kind of caring feelings.

So now I'm sitting in my room, wondering what's going to happen tomorrow. Have I completely ruined my friendship with the person I care about the most? Did she enjoy it as much as I did? Is this ever going to come up in any of our conversations or will it just vaporize into the night and leave our thoughts, at least enough to permanently avoid discussing it?


	5. Table 34

The only way I'm going to be able to get through today is to avoid Jess. We usually talk about things but what happened last night is something we'll just have to avoid for awhile. I got up this morning with every intention of talking to her but when I saw her face, I just couldn't. Instead, I panic moonwalked away, back to my room and back to my misery.

* * *

I had an escape plan. I was going to go with Schmidt and Winston to an Indian marriage convention because Schmidt is still on his mission of stalking CeCe. I don't know why I didn't think Jess would show up too. But she was there, as attractive as ever, maybe even more so. I freaked out when I saw her though, I panic moonwalked again like I did this morning. Winston caught up with me and asked what was up. He told me to apologize to Jess. Apologize? I guess that's my only option. It's the last thing I want to do. I wanted everything to go so much differently. But who am I kidding? She's got the doctor and I'm just a friend.

* * *

The whole rest of the day was weird. Weird is the only word I can think of to describe it. I made an effort to apologize for kissing her and telling her it didn't mean anything but she could only accuse me by saying it actually did mean something to me. Which is true but she doesn't need to know that. I can't possibly tell her it did because it wasn't the same for her. I thought it did last night but she was probably just caught up in the moment. We bantered back and forth about it all day. Something good did happen though-she and Sam broke up. I'm a little confused as to why she told him about what happened between her and I, but I'm not complaining. I guess Jess is just too good of a person to hide something like that from her boyfriend. I'm not exactly sure what she said to him but it was enough to make him end things. And hit me.

This evening was weird too. Maybe I should have just left her alone with her wine and Taylor Swift CD but I don't want things to change with us. If this had been someone else that had hurt her, I'd be there for her, talking to her, trying to cheer her up. I said some stupid stuff about being a homewrecker but then I finally manned up and really apologized to her. I didn't accuse her of it meaning something to her or any of that, but I flat out told her I was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I didn't want to say that because nearly every minute of my life, I want to do it again. But a relationship is never one-sided and as much as it hurts, I can't make her change her mind. I gave her an awkward hug goodnight and watched some TV with some beer to try to keep my mind off of everything, but she's all I can think about.


	6. Parking Spot

Me and my big mouth. After a few days of things almost being normal again, I said something else stupid without thinking. Jess and I were in the bathroom, brushing our teeth. We tend to do that together a lot. She joked about things not being weird between us, suggesting we should go out to a fancy dinner. My response was "And then we can have sex." The look on her face when I said that! It was similar to when I said "Not like this" during the night we were locked up together because of True American. Kind of a look of surprise, curiosity even. Definitely not disgust. I still shouldn't have said it though. Of course we joked it off and before it got weird, Schmidt burst in saying he had found an awesome parking spot.

* * *

Schmidt knows about us. I guess he has kind of a sixth sense. He wasn't too thrilled when his suspicions had been confirmed. Jess and I tried to play it off like everything was normal, but we know it isn't. We talked about it away from Schmidt but anxiety kicked in and I changed the topic to the parking spot. I don't know why I can't just tell her how I feel. I kissed her for heaven's sake, surely she must have some idea. I know I denied it meant anything but Jess is pretty good at reading me and knowing when I'm telling the truth or not.

* * *

I almost blew it. We talked some more about it later and I told her how much I regretted kissing her. I looked over at her and saw the tears in her eyes and the upset look on her face and knew that what I had said held more power than I thought it would. She got up and left, the parking spot no longer important. And even though Schmidt wasn't exactly happy about what's been going on with me and Jess, he encouraged me to go after her. And of course I did. I'm Nick and Jess is the girl I'm in love with. When she hurts, I hurt, and I do everything in my power to try to make things better for her. I dread the day I won't be able to do this anymore.

* * *

She was on her way outside with a box of fish sticks to feed the stray cats when I made it back upstairs to the loft. I sucked up all of my damn nervousness and flat out told her that the kiss had indeed, meant something to me and the fact that it had made things weird was the only reason I had regretted it. And continuing on this "thrill", I also threw in that I had wanted to be with her since she'd moved in. The look on her face made me want to kiss her as hard as I could and pick her up and carry her off to my room to do everything I had ever imagined doing with her. But the moment was quickly ruined because Schmidt burst in the door. And then it got worse. He pulled up the "no nail oath" that he had kindly reminded me of earlier and pointed out that the other members of the loft had to kiss Jess as well. Seeing him kiss Jess was painful but seeing how much they both hated it and how Jess reacted brought me some gratification. The look of repulsion on her face was a far cry from how she looked when she had kissed me.

I don't want to push things with her. I could bring up what happened again tonight to her and maybe we could talk about it. Or I could just leave things alone and if we wind up together, fine. If we don't, then it just wasn't written in the stars for us. Leaving well enough alone seems like the better plan, because let's face it, I'm Nick Miller.


	7. Tinfinity

I appreciate the reviews! Sorry it took me so long to get a new chapter up. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Jess and I never did continue our conversation about the No Nail Oath. Nearly a week went by and things were still awkward. We've barely said more than a few sentences to each other lately. I don't know what to think. She denied that the kiss meant anything to her but when we talked about it the night we fought over the parking spot, it seemed like it actually DID mean something. Especially when I told her I didn't regret it. Women say men are poor communicators but I beg to differ.

After today, I might as well just move on. Jess and I may have something special but it's obviously not happening now. I'm not stupid…the way she kissed me back proves that she doesn't just consider me a friend. Friends don't kiss each other like that. But she's not interested in me right now. I think she wants to be but for whatever reason, she's choosing not to tell me. I'm not okay with it. Especially since she's wanting to be with Jax. I don't know what she sees in him. I realize he's an amazing football player but Jess couldn't give a crap about sports and that's the only thing I can see in this guy. He seems like a complete loser to me.

She told me Jax is the type of guy that'll express his feelings. What does that even mean anyway? I thought grabbing her in the hall and kissing her was expressive enough but apparently not. I could tell her how I feel but I don't know how to explain it without freaking her out. She must know that I like her. And probably that I have feelings for her. But if I dare tell her I'm in love with her, she'll run away and not want to be with me because there's no way she could possibly feel that way about me. I think she's attracted to me, but I don't think she wants to BE with me. There are so many other guys out there she would be better off with. Seeing her with Jax is painful because even though she can do better than me, she can definitely do better than him!

* * *

I teased her about sharing my drink tonight and threw in some stuff about it touching my mouth and she ran away! I don't know what that was about. I think she's just confused about me. This is becoming super difficult to deal with. I haven't slept with anyone since Angie which was nearly two months ago and the last person I kissed was Jess. I have a new boss at work and she's pretty damn hot. She may not be Jess but she might be worth a chance. If anything, I can finally get some because let's face it: I'm a man. The reality is, nothing is happening with Jess. Not now, and possibly not ever.


End file.
